After the Heavy Stuff, Some Light-Hearted Bashing is in Order

Continuing on my Twilight Hate-a-thon (its a long week), I found this little ditty while trawling the inter webs. 

To wit*:

50 Edward Cullen Traits Every Guy Should Have
List by wildcats13 posted 5 months ago

Ok. so I found this as a group on facebook and totally agree... I mean who wouldn't want a guy, or *vampire* like Edawrd? So here's the list.

1. Be inhumanly attractive
2. Drive 200 km/h
3. Save you from death
4. Have an amazing body
5. Be incredibly wealthy
6. Be too much of a gentlemen
7. Have an elegant way of walking
8. Be inhumanly strong
9. Crooked smile
10. Have an extended an sophisticated vocabulary
11. Be really smart
12. Good taste in music
13. Smell extraordinarily nice
14. Suddenly appear out of nowhere and kiss you passionatley
15. To tell you that you ARE beautiful, not that you look beautiful
16. To be able to enter your room without anyone noticing
17. To be willing to sacrifice his life for yours
18. Have eyes only for you, even if he is surrounded by attractive girls
19. To be ale to read minds except for yours
20. Quote Romeo ( Shakespear )
21. Stand in front of you in a protective way when you arein danger
22. Give you his jacket when you are cold
23. To stay young, gorgeous and sexy forever
24. Have morals
25. Love you for what you are inside, not for how you look
26. Be charming
27. Be jealous of your guys friends ( Jacob, Mike, etc... )
28. Sparkle in the sunlight
29. Write you a song
30. Wait for the ideal girl to come along
31. Be a virgin
32. Whisper nice things in your ear
33. Be able to make you beautiful and immortal
34. Tell you that the outside world hols no interest for him without you
35. Be comprehensive
36. Have a nice family
37. Play the piano
38. Kiss you in the middle of a fight
39. Always pay everything
40. Hug you behind your back
41. Have been pretty much single since 1901
42. Hold your face while he kisses you
43. Doesn't sleep at night, stays by your side taking care of you
44. Speaks no lies
45. Have a good taste in clothes
46. Have beautiful and expressive eyes
47. Own amazing cars
48. Be able to carry you with no effort
49. Tell you that you are the closest to heaven that he will ever get
50. Be willing to spend eternity by your side

Don't don't lie and say that's not what you all want!!! Oh, my favorites are 9, 28, 38, 43, 49. Omg, so romantic!!!!! <333

Bella and Edward FOREVER!!!
___________
And...gag.

Okay, I have two words for "wildcats13": Future Lesbian.

Look at all these traits! No guy will have 10 of them, much less 50. Heck, I don't think we even demand that much from women. Furthermore, many of these dumb-ass traits can only be good in the mind of a hormonal 14 year old girl whose eyes still gaze skywards for unicorns.

1. Be inhumanly attractive
Right. So, with Cullen / Pattinson in mind, the sex offender look is "inhumanly attractive".

2. Drive 200 km/h
I'll bet the state trooper doesn't find that so sexy. Nor will you when he rams his nightstick up your shitty boyfriend's ass.

4. Have an amazing body
5. Be incredibly wealthy
6. Be too much of a gentlemen
He must have the body of a rapist, the money of The Donald and the attitude of Patton Oswalt. In essence, he's Michael Cera of Arrested Development.

8. Be inhumanly strong
What the fuck? Kill your own damn cockroach, b****.

13. Smell extraordinarily nice
Oh, you mean smell like a girl? Must "he" also affect a crude macho walk too?

14. Suddenly appear out of nowhere and kiss you passionatley
Sexual harassment? Check.

15. To tell you that you ARE beautiful, not that you look beautiful
Amazing grasp of worn-out cliches? Check.

16. To be able to enter your room without anyone noticing
Is a stalker? Check.

18. Have eyes only for you, even if he is surrounded by attractive girls
Blind? Check.

19. To be ale to read minds except for yours
Retarded? Check.

20. Quote Romeo ( Shakespear )
Knows only the most hackneyed of Shakespeare's plays? You betcha.

23. To stay young, gorgeous and sexy forever
Be an amazingly well-preserved mummy for the sake of an aging woman with sagging boobs? Uhh...

25. Love you for what you are inside, not for how you look
Must love the empty abyss? Okay....

27. Be jealous of your guys friends ( Jacob, Mike, etc... )
Unreasonably possessive? Check.

28. Sparkle in the sunlight
F**k you...

30. Wait for the ideal girl to come along
Waiting for someone who is way better than you? Definitely.

33. Be able to make you beautiful and immortal
"Hi, I am Dr. Frankenstein, plastic surgeon!"

34. Tell you that the outside world hols no interest for him without you
Be an ersatz Bubble Boy? Umm...

38. Kiss you in the middle of a fight
Be the world's dumbest fighter....you sure?

40. Hug you behind your back
As opposed to hugging you when you know about it?

41. Have been pretty much single since 1901
Pathologically incapable of human interaction? Check.

42. Hold your face while he kisses you
This sounds kinda awkward. How will anybody kiss you with hands in the way?

45. Have a good taste in clothes
46. Have beautiful and expressive eyes
47. Own amazing cars
Be a male Barbie doll. Err...why don't you just date Barbie and save us all the trouble?

49. Tell you that you are the closest to heaven that he will ever get
Be half geek, half Marxist? Check.

50. Be willing to spend eternity by your side
Must be world's biggest loser? Check, check, check.

You know what, the vampire is officially dead. Vampires are no longer scary. I'll bet even Count Chocula can kick Edward Cullen's ass. They are now the gayest monsters in the party, who rhapsodize their cheeseburgers and sparkle like ten year old girls bathed in glitter.

The vampire has been officially castrated. Anne Rice has thankfully already left the genre. She bailed just in time. Stephanie Meyer just took a gigantic, 12-pound shit on the genre, and no amount of scrubbing is going to take away that smell. Vampires will now be nothing more than the sparkly beings of Mary Sue wish-fulfillment among really bad amateur writers like Meyer. At least, we can thank Meyer for putting a wooden stake through the heart of all the pretenses of vampire fiction. It'll all be just another sub-genre of chick lit now. Count Dracula is dead. Long live Count Dracula.

I'm going to go mourn by downloading some Dresden Files episodes, where vampires still had the dignity to be monsters.

______
*I retained all spelling errors and girly squealing.