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One of the funniest places on the Net.

There's Something More I Wish He'd Say...

I'm mostly a quiet guy who tends to keep his mouth shut when in the company of the unfamiliar. (And unfamiliar is mostly women.) So, as a tribute to my friend X, and in an attempt to "list like Hornby" (if the author of my sister's "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" blog/novel can do it, so can I...), here's 10 things I wish I managed to say in front of certain ladies I've met throughout the years.

1. If wine aged like you, my cousin would be sober.

2. Were you really staring at that other girl's breasts?

3. You wanna know how much I wasted on that stuffed toy fetish of yours?

4. (After a lady friend insulted me.)  Yeah, I love you too.

5. You're going to be a nun about as surely as I'm going to be elected Pope.

6. I wish you weren't a student.

7. If you were the last person on Earth, I'm gonna start a family with a goat. A female goat. (Oh, wait, I think I actually said that one...)

8. What about me? I fancy you, and I'm not gay.

9. If you become Catholic, I'll marry you in a heartbeat.

10. Why did God have to make you so perfect? Now all my poetry will suck...

And Now, Raelians!

It seems that World Youth Day in Oz has prompted some of the Catholic Church's pimpingest critics to take a day off from the asylum. The lede is already slap-tastic funny:

"A GROUP of glamour lesbians who believe the world was created by an alien civilisation 25,000 years ago have criticised the Catholic Church for being out of touch."

This is like Tom Cruise telling Mother Teresa she's "out of touch". Where the hell did the media find these quacks? Did somebody already process their passports from outer space?

And, on what planet are these hags considered "glamour"? Not even the word "lesbian" can make 'em sexy...

Imagine There Are No...Useless Eaters...Its Easy If You Try

I've been trying to get a hold of some science stories around the web in preparation for writing a sci-fi short story for that Neil Gaiman Fully Booked thing. Sometimes, I come across stuff that makes my blood run cold.

This article is one of them.

The title looks upbeat enough: "Baby to be born free of breast cancer after embryo screening."

No more breast cancer for baby! Hooray!

Wait a minute...embryo screening?

" The couple produced 11 embryos, of which five were found to be free from the gene. Two of these were implanted in the woman’s womb and she is now 14 weeks pregnant."

Okay, so what happened to the other nine? Now, I know the elementary question of "when does life begin" provokes hissy fits, but come on. What did they think the human being was between conception and birth? A chicken egg? As a former embryo, who probably has a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer's, I find this genetic pre-natal genocide of the "unclean" to be very disturbing.

I suppose these parents didn't want their designer "perfect" baby to grow up like these poor unfortunate souls.

When they came for the Jews, I never spoke up, for I wasn't a Jew.

When they came for the embryos, I never spoke up, for I was never an...wait a minute...

Fuck.

Girl Gets Court to Overrule Grounding

This is insane.

A 12 year old girl gets grounded for slutting it up in a dating site, and she sues her dad in order to overturn her punishment.

Thanks a lot, Canada. Hard enough to try and raise kids, but raising them with government backseat parenting is just plain ridiculous. While this decision will probably not gain traction in the Philippines, the mere fact that there is precedent may give some bright young smartass here some leeway to sue his parents in the International Courts via established legal precedent as shown in Her Majesty's Canadian courts. After all, the ICJ, with no legal traditions of its own, tends to borrow a lot from those that have them.

What's next, a middle-school boy suing to have the family PC's net nanny turned off?

Pity Canadian parents. Oh, and fuck Canadian government.

I still don't get why that country is such a popular immigrant destination.

More Sci-Fi on CSI

Who's writing these shows nowadays? HG Wells wannabes?

First, Grissom invokes the scientific wet dream known as String Theory.

And now, CSI New York has an entire episode that features  time travel, which is taken seriously.

Hell must be freezing nowadays. The most scientifically plausible CSI is CSI Miami...

Where's Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck When You Need Them?

Here's a nice, eye-opening article about stuff that could end the world in an instant.

Apparently, NASA's main priority is to build a "moon base" (with a "laser" perhaps?), while some space-oriented folk are screaming for a defense initiative against asteroids that could possibly hit Earth. Seems like NASA is run by 12 year-olds still obssessed with their Wonder Magazine subscriptions. A moon base? What will man do with a moon base? Welcome incoming alien immigrants?

On the other hand, developing stuff to blow meteors and asteroids out of the sky sounds much more fun. And if the article is to be believed, the FATE OF THE WORLD depends on it.

Heh, as long as our secret weapon ain't Ben frickin' Affleck, we'll probably be fine.