10 Jesus Mutants Far Removed From The Real Deal

And now, a Lenten special.

When you look at the history of Christian evangelization, you will notice that evangelization was most successful where Christianity managed to incorporate much of the local flavor in order to make the Messiah more accessible to the locals. This is why, for example, Christmas falls on the old pagan winter feast, Easter has Easter bunnies, and why Christ has so many symbols attached to Him, from the pelican to the Irish shamrock.

However, in the age of the almighty consumer, this practice has been taken to a corrupt extreme. Whereas the old heathens simply envisioned Jesus through a cultural lens in order to better understand and appreciate His message, the self-centered pricks of this age have reduced and manipulated Jesus into bite-size images free of anything that could challenge and disturb their Ritalin-addled consciences. In order to deal with Jesus Christ, the Christian gospel and the culture it created, bored and affluent Westerners simply drowned out the "offensive" parts and updated Jesus into some zombie mutant more accommodating of their zombie mutant depravity. Here are the ten most moronic mutations I could find off the top of my head, ranging from the pants-on-the-head retarded to the ones so stupid, only tenured morons could have come up with them.

1. Buddy Jesus

The Appeal
Jesus is my best friend! He always smiles and hugs and give me what I want! He also never, ever judges me! If he barked and had some floppy ears, he'd be the perfect best friend deity ever!

The Stupid
This Jesus was designed solely to appeal to the Hello Kitty Christian demographic. As such, it falls squarely on the retarded side of the spectrum. This Jesus wants nothing more than to be your cute little lapdog who kisses your boo-boos away. Sin? Is that a new ice cream flavor? Not recommended for anybody over the intellectual age of ten.

Hey Buddy! Let's skip "changin UR lifes" and go play with your Wii!

2. Crystal Dragon Jesus

The Appeal
This is the Jesus you will find in many fantasy-based RPG's and animation. As the link describes, it is a Jesus figure that presides over a Christian-like religion, though bears little resemblance to the actual Jesus. The most common users of this trope, as the link points out, are Japanese RPG's and animation whose makers have but a passing familiarity with Christianity. However, you will find Crystal Dragon Jesus among Western works as well, by people who ought to have known better.

The Stupid
I'm actually not sure as to how to treat this particular fake Jesus. After all, one cannot take literary tropes too seriously. Plus, the most established users of this trope usually simply don't know much about the actual Jesus in the first place. However, there are some who should've known better who use this trope, and it is ostensibly to either create an "acceptable" Jesus that will let you ride around the clouds, or to create a "straw man" Jesus to attack the real world religion. Either way, it is a manner of engaging religion worthy of a juvenile half-wit, in both its benign and malicious forms.
 

You want me to eat you or give you piggy back rides? Make up your mind!

3. Get Rich Quick Jesus

The Appeal
This is the Jesus of the Prayer of Jabez crowd. Basically, if you pray enough to Jesus and buy the resulting book / prayer manual, you could get a divine boost in your assets and net worth. Can also be known as Greenspan's Jesus.

The Stupid
If you've reduce the Son of God to a divine piggy bank, you've got problems. There is something both stupid and mildly perverse about treating your religion like a Gnostic pyramid scheme.

Don't forget to buy the book! - Get Rich Quick Jesus

4. NRA Jesus

The Appeal
Ever get tired of the wussy, feminized Son of God you typically encounter in modern mainline Protestant sermons? Well, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, because NRA Jesus is here! Also known as Rambo Jesus, Guns and Ammo Jesus and Jesus "Bad Ass" Christ.

The Stupid
This Jesus is an obvious manifestation of a growing reaction to the dilution of Jesus from Son of God to everybody's Mommy. (This is strictly a Protestant phenomenon...with no Mary, Jesus does double duty.) As such, I cannot blame it for existing, nor am I too pissed off at those who created it. But still, the stupid way to react to one extreme is to go to the other one. In the end, you get less a Son of God and more an action caricature for whom the formula for exorcism would be "Hasta la Vista, Baby".

 






















C'mon, Satan. Bring it. I dare you.

5. Hippy Jesus

The Appeal
A Jesus whose musical repertoire is stuck at "Kumbayah", eats nothing but organic, preaches all love and peace and no struggle, and wants you to recycle? What's not to like? Umm...

The Stupid
This is firmly in pants-on-the-head retarded territory. Since when did a wine-loving, meat-eating, rope-whipping Jesus Christ ever come across as so naively hippy? And what has eating organic, recycling and tree-hugging got to do with human salvation? What are they good for? Absolutely nothing! (Huah!)

Geez, even his crown of thorns is organic!

6. Black Jesus

The Appeal
Finally, the Black Panthers can call themselves Apostles! Blessed is he who forgives all white guilt and empowers anybody with a moderately high skin melanin count. Can also be called Frankenstein Jesus, as the most egregious representations often attempt to combine the characteristics of all racial minorities. (For example, see pic below.)

The Stupid
First off, let me distinguish Black Jesus from all the other rather ethnic perceptions of Jesus Christ, including Anglo Jesus. The ethnic perceptions of old, as I've mentioned in the intro, were attempts by populations new to the Faith to recognize the Son of God in order to better appreciate His message. In short, it is part of the attempt of a newly Christian population to reach out to the universal truths of their new faith. "Black Jesus", however, is the reduction of Jesus to a crude, politically-correct stereotype in order to pander to restless political factions. The reduction is so petty, it makes Jesus subordinate to a pretty fucked up movement, instead of subordinating a movement to Jesus. Hence, "Black Jesus" marks our descent into mutant Jesus clones so stupid, only academics and demagogues could have come up with them.

Black Franken-Jesus can forgive all sins...except white collar crimes and racism.

7. Social Justice Jesus

The Appeal
The Church has always had a preferential option for the poor. After all, the Sermon on the Mount and the corporal works of mercy all emphasize the sympathy one must have for the impoverished. Hence, the attraction of Social Justice Jesus.

The Stupid
There is a reason why Liberation Theology was declared heretical. I am not saying that the Church shouldn't look out for the poor. However, when Jesus is reduced to a mere social justice activist, it limits the scope of His message and detracts from the universality of salvation. Jesus came for the bourgeoisie too, you know. Jesus Christ is the Son of God, not Che Guevara in a past life. However, it'll take some intense prying to pull the heads of the makers of this Jesus out of their collective asses.

Also, Jesus will stand in a street corner, shout abuse and show you his can collection...

8. Gender Studies Jesus

The Appeal
Honestly, this one is just so fucked up, I cannot see the appeal. Maybe if you're gay or something. Or a woman. Whichever the case, this is supposed to be your Jesus. Ick. Also known as Queer Jesus, Musical Theater Jesus and Jane Christ.

The Stupid
Jesus would consider promiscuity and butt piracy immoral. So, the best way to live with this is...to imagine Jesus as a butt pirate. If this makes no logical sense to you, welcome to the rest of the sane world. If this makes some emotional sense to you, enjoy your PhD in one of the most useless of subjects, you academic abomination. Now, I'm going to go over to NRA Jesus and detox for a while.

Not pictured: Sanity

9. Conspiracy Theory Jesus

The Appeal
The attraction of holding secret knowledge only you know about extends all the way back to the Gnostics. It's no surprise that this Jesus traces much of its relatively recent history to the remnants of that movement.

The Stupid
Have you ever heard some loony nutjob talk about how the moon landings were fake, or how there was an extra shooter on the grassy knoll that nailed JFK? Now, think of that same loony nutjob talking about how Jesus was banging Mary Magdalene, and you can get a glimpse of the Conspiracy Theory Jesus experience. With no serious scholarship to back them, these nuts have only the volume of their high-pitched voices to justify themselves and this hack creation.

Let he who is without sin, now get some sexy time....

10. "Historical" Jesus

The Appeal
For those truly uncomfortable with Jesus' claims of divinity, which includes very loony swathes of modern Bible studies "scholars", what better way to make yourself feel better than saying that Jesus was just a regular hombre?

The Stupid
The most seductive of the Jesus mutants, this particular variant claims to have some solid scholarship on its side, if by solid scholarship you mean lazy, half-baked conjectures laced with tabloid sensationalism. By the time you get to the part where Jesus' corpse was eaten by wild dogs, you know John Dominic Crossan and company have already jumped, with full somersaults, over several great white sharks. When people want to make themselves gods, they cast some pretty funny shadows.

Mmmm...messiah tastes like chicken....

So, this Lenten season, meditate on Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and leave all these cheap mutations behind. The real deal is much more fascinating that the measly simulacra conjured up by severely limited human imaginations.

Oh, and Happy Easter!